goodbye grandma

I was cleaning up in the new house with hubby and Jove when my youngest sister called hubby's handphone. She was crying and mumbling something about grandma. I took Jove and cycled as fast as I could.

Grandma died that Sunday morning, 20th January 2008.

My parents flew two hours after that. My two sisters followed in the evening. They made it in time to see her before they closed the casket. My sister said that grandma looked peaceful, just like sleeping.

God has called her and end her suffering. Now she is happy, healed, and whole again. But she will be forever missed by her six daughters, six son-in-laws, twenty grand-children (and five grandchildren-in-law -is there such a word?-), six great-grand-children, and a husband.

Hubby, Jove, second sister, father (who flew back to Jakarta on Monday) and I joined the big family on Wednesday morning. It felt weird to head straight to the mortuary from the airport. We met my two sisters, mother, two aunts, and the nurse who took care of grandma there.

The place was quite new, clean, and nice. Grandma's photo smiled at me in front of her casket. She has gone to a better place, I kept telling myself. I should be happy for her. She has lived her 83 years on Earth fully. She has given birth to six wonderful daughter, watched them meet and marry the men of their dreams, hold the twenty grand-children, even attended five of the grand-children's wedding! I still remembered, in awe, when grandma attended my dear cousin's wedding. Wheelchair bound, sick and weak, but she was there for all of us. A selfless strong woman my grandma was.

The days that follow were spent with my dear aunts, uncles, and cousins for the cremation and placing of her ashes in the columbarium.

Thursday morning, we gathered in front of the crematorium. We prayed around her coffin. So many people came to the last service. Some old ladies from Salatiga, including my grandma's 95 year-old sister, sang a sweet song about her meeting with Jesus. It was a beautiful moment. Then the coffin was placed inside the furnace. It was time to pay our last respect. One cousin brought fresh red roses that each of us placed near her coffin. Grandma loved flowers, especially the red roses.

We watched when the fire was lighted. Soon, the furnace was ablaze with burning hot fire. Grandma frail, old, weak body was slowly reduced to ashes. She needed that body no more for she already has a new one up there.

Saturday morning, we gathered there again to collect her ashes. The person-in-charge gave us the ashes inside a cloth pouch doubled with clear plastic together with two prostheses. We were shocked when we hold the prostheses (once planted inside her hips) they were so heavy! Maybe more than a kilogram in total. I could not imagine that all these time, grandma carried those heavy stuff around with her!

We carried her ashes to the columbarium grandpa has built for the family. The big family gathered there for lunch. I wondered if grandma joined us in the gathering, looking at the many people who loved and respected her. Or she could still be dancing with Jesus on her two feet in heaven!

Goodbye for now, Emak sayang. One day when we meet again, I hope I can say that I've lived my life at least as full as yours.

another trip to semarang

We had another trip to Semarang and Salatiga by bus. Jove was pretty cranky on the bus this time because he had a mild cold. In fact, the whole family except dad (two grandparents, three aunts, Jove, and me) caught the bug a few days before the trip. After the trip, everybody's health got worse, except Jovan (thankfully).

We departed on Thursday night, shortly after ten. I spent the whole night trying to sleep while cradling Jovan to sleep. He woke up several times and night and continuously asked for breastmilk. Both of my milk-tanks went dry by the time we reached Semarang at about one on Friday afternoon.

Jove was excited looking at his great-grandfather on the bus ride to Salatiga from Semarang and he got busy playing with great-grandpa's cane. Grandma was sleeping when we arrived, and when she woke up a few hours later, Jovan was sleeping. It happened the two times we went there, so Jovan didn't get to meet his great-grandma properly.

Saturday evening, hubby, Jovan, and I accompanied my grandpa back to Semarang in his car (with a driver). On the way, I thought a lot about my dear cousin, Rika, and whole day we've spent together in May. Miss you a lot, cousin dear! This trip will be more fun with you around. :)

Sunday morning, we headed back to Jakarta. Grandpa did not allow us to go back and made us stay for another two hours. We stopped to have lunch at a restaurant near the sea in Indramayu and look at how happy Jovan was! He was fascinated with the strong sea breeze and the waves. He kept on laughing while holding his hands up, trying to catch the wind. The water was brown and muddy and the scenery was not beautiful at all, but all he saw was the blue blue sky, the fresh breeze, and the sunny Saturday afternoon.


Grandpa introduced Jovan to the wet sand. It was not white nor clean, but Jovan and grandpa ignored those facts. He enjoyed the new texture of the wet sand and he was quite amazed when the waves licked his toes.


Children. Let them remind us of the simple beauty of this earth.

unspoken love

I uploaded the pictures from last May's trip to Singapore, Semarang and Salatiga in the web albums (link at the sidebar).

A few weeks after that trip, I found out something that made my eyes watery from my mom and sisters.

Whenever we stayed in our grandparents' house in Semarang, my father, husband, son, and I usually slept in the guest's room (which was my childhood bedroom). Mom and my two sisters would be sleeping with grandma, and my youngest sister will sleep in a spare bed in grandpa's room. Grandpa sleeps in the room connected to grandma's room. They have slept in separate rooms for about 10 years, I guess.

Anyway, grandpa is a stern person and his relationship with grandma was not romantic or sweet... in short, I could not see them as a couple that could fall in love and got married in the first place. At one time, I knew that grandpa and grandma stopped talking to each other for some months (or maybe years).

And one day while my mom, sisters, and I were chatting about them, I found out that every night after everyone was asleep, grandpa would walk over to grandma's room to check on everybody. He would go to each bed and straighten the blanket, check the airconditioning, then went back to sleep.

Now that my grandma stays in another town, mom wondered how grandpa must have felt when he woke up in the middle of the night and checked the other room.

But I thanked God I had the chance to know this sweet habit of him, checking on grandma every night. That's how grandpa expressed his love.

Miss them so much. Hope we can have another trip there in the middle of this month.

a christmas blessing

Grandma was on her bed when we got there, smiling. We rushed in and took turns showering her and grandpa with kisses. It felt so good to finally see them again, especially now. Little Jove, surprisingly cheerful after a 12-hour journey, laughed a lot and delighted the great grandparents. A wonderful Christmas day we had.

The next four days were spent remembering and creating warm memories with dearest grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Wishing we can have more of those moments this year.

great grandma goes home

Jove's great grandma finally went home today after almost half a year travelling half the world to find a cure. I really really really really really hope that she will continue to heal and be well completely soon. Please hear our prayers, Lord.

We may be going there this Christmas. Could be Jove's first long distance car trip!

still red

We decided to give Jove the doctor's prescribed medicine for his allergy. His rashes are getting redder and he scratched till they bled and stained the bed sheet (I was pretty terrified and hugged him for a couple of minutes after seeing the blood stain). Eating rice and vegetable only for the whole day did not help to reduce the rashes. Maybe the outbreak has gone bad.

We're going to try the bioresonance therapy on Saturday. Hope that helps.

On a happier note, today is Emak's 81st birthday. Called her in the afternoon. She sounded happy. The hospital's nurses threw a surprise birthday party for her, they brought a cake, sang birthday songs, and took pictures. Wonderful sweet nurses! God bless them.

getting a high chair, yay!

Jove just received a high chair from grandpa. He loves it! And tonight, my husband and I could enjoy dinner together, instead of taking turns like we usually did, while the baby sat happily with us at the dinner table in his new high chair. We noticed that he loves to sit with a leg (or both legs sometimes) lift up and rest on the small table. He does that again and again every time we put his leg down.

He's going to use the chair to have meal in three weeks time. Thanks, grandpa!


Update on Emak's condition: She has regained her consciousness and already had dinner. My aunt said the operation went well and she seemed to be okay. Thank God!

hope...

After breakfast, I received an sms from a dear aunt, informing that my grandma has started to fast and they has called the doctor but the doctor was still sleeping.

What was happening, I could not find the answer in my mind.

I called home. I told mom about the sms, and she told me that grandma was going to undergo another operation. This time, her left leg below the knee would be removed.

I starred blankly. I heard about the plan of the operation, I just never thought that it would be that soon. Today? I thought they were still contemplating about it.

The doctors first removed half of her big toe. Then in Shanghai, they removed the rest of the toe, leaving a black gaping hole that suffocate me with tears upon seeing it. Then it was half the foot next. This afternoon, half of her left leg will be gone.

I remembered the way she winced of pain when she stayed in our house last August. I remembered her tense body when I hold her. I remembered her tears when she did the stupid doctor's suggestion of immersing her foot into a bowl of Dettol. It must have hurt her like hell. I have no more comforting words to say to her then... I could only hug her close and prayed hard for the pain to leave her.

This year has been a hard year for grandma, her six children and their families. We have received hundreds of smses with news of pain, operation, new methods that were going to be tried, new doctors, sleepless nights, some more operations, etc. We are weary... and we could lose all our hope if not for a few of us with great faith.

A cousin, the eldest and dearest of the grandchildren, is keeping her hope high, her prayers long, and her faith strong. She set an example for all of us to follow.

Emak sayang, semoga setelah operasi ini, Emak bisa benar-benar sembuh.

We have persevered Lord, please show us Your mercy.

moving out

I have been staying for more than four months in my parents' house (since I was about eight and a half months pregnant). It has been fun caring a new baby with very excited (and very helpful) grandparents and three aunts. Kind of sad moving out and staying back in our own home, just the three of us with the maid. It's only me and the baby in the afternoons when the daddy is working and the maid is doing the house chores. Sepi deh.

My mom, the dearest grandma, actually cried last night, when we were about to go home. She would be alone in the afternoons now, no more cheerful squeals and smiley chubby baby.

I wondered how my grandma, Emak, felt when we moved to Jakarta in 1990. The four of us grandchildren had been staying with Emak and Kung-kung for as long as we remembered. We left the two of them alone in their house in Semarang when we moved. I did not remembered if she cried, just like my mom did yesterday, on the day we started our journey to the capital city. But she must have felt the hardest change by then. Two children and four noisy grandchildren left the house at the same time, 10 hours car drive from them. Sepi banget deh.

Mama said that in our early years in Jakarta, whenever she (or Papa) scolded or punished us for our mistakes, we would call for our grandparents (teriak-teriak Kung-kung! Emak! keras-keras gitu). When it was the time to go back to Jakarta after a month holiday in Semarang, or after a brief visit somewhere in the year, all of us would cry in the car. One time, I remembered, Mama started to cry with us too when our car left their driveway.

God, for Mama who's alone at home now, for Emak in the hospital and Kung-kung at home in Semarang, please bless them and take a good care of them.

One day, I know, there will be a time when little Jove will grow up and left the house too... by then, I hope I can have enough courage and strength to handle the situation. C'est la vie.

a wonder woman

Today my mom went back from Shanghai with my cousin and my wonderful grandmother. Grandma spent almost two months in that foreign city in a small hospital where everyone spoke a language she did not understand. She was treated unsuccessfully and went home thinner and paler than ever. She did not have the strength to stand up now because she spent all those time on the bed.

But her smile was still there. And she brought goodies for her loved ones! That was amazing. I mean, despite her suffering, she still remembered her friends, children, grandchildren, nieces, and brought them gifts. I never remembered hearing her complaining about her situation. Wincing from pain, yes, but never complaining.

Jove, you have a wonder woman as a great grandma!

sweet great grandma

Dear Jovan,

Your great grandma, Makco, just took off to Singapore today with two of your great aunts. She has spent 19 days here, getting ozone therapy, and her wound's condition did not improve. She has a wound in her left big toe that has not healed since early this year. Doctor said that there was a clot in her leg's artery, fresh blood couldn't get to the toe and heal the wound. Often, there would be sharp pains felt from the leg. She spent a lot of sleepless nights because of this pain.

Yet she kept showing her sweet smile most of the time, sometimes even when the pain burst in. We spent a lot of time in her room. She loved looking at you, baby. You cooed and smiled to her often.

There was a moment that was engraved deep in my heart. One afternoon, I put you on the bed next to Makco. She turned her body facing you and you almost did the same, then she let you held her forefinger. And both of you started one of the most touching conversation I've ever witnessed. Makco once did that to your grandma and me when we were babies. It was your turn to feel her tremendous love now.

See the picture. I was afraid her frail arms were not strong enough to hold you, but I was wrong. Well, those arms have craddled six daughters when they were at the strongest, twenty grandchildren and five great grandchildren followed. Her arms now frail yet never too frail to hold another love, you, her sixth great grandchild.

Sweet great grandma, get well soon. Jovan and I will always pray for that.

visit of the greatgrandpa

My grandpa, Jove's great grandpa is here.

My grandma has gangrene since the beginning of this year and the condition has not improved. Then a few days ago, Mom found out about this Ozone therapy and asked grandma (and her other children) if she was willing to come to Jakarta to try this. Grandpa decided to come at once to take a look himself how the therapy worked.

So this is the first meeting of my son and his great grandpa, his kongco.

Kongco looked at the little great grandchild and asked my husband how much he costed. He would like to bring Jove back with him. My husband laughed and answered that it would be expensive. Kongco said he could pay any price! My grandpa is 86 years old this year and is quite forgetful already. He is a stern man and rarely laugh. It brought such joy to see him joking like this.