aspiration

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Jove: A penguin.

That's my one-year-seven-month-and-two-weeks-old boy.

goodbye grandma

I was cleaning up in the new house with hubby and Jove when my youngest sister called hubby's handphone. She was crying and mumbling something about grandma. I took Jove and cycled as fast as I could.

Grandma died that Sunday morning, 20th January 2008.

My parents flew two hours after that. My two sisters followed in the evening. They made it in time to see her before they closed the casket. My sister said that grandma looked peaceful, just like sleeping.

God has called her and end her suffering. Now she is happy, healed, and whole again. But she will be forever missed by her six daughters, six son-in-laws, twenty grand-children (and five grandchildren-in-law -is there such a word?-), six great-grand-children, and a husband.

Hubby, Jove, second sister, father (who flew back to Jakarta on Monday) and I joined the big family on Wednesday morning. It felt weird to head straight to the mortuary from the airport. We met my two sisters, mother, two aunts, and the nurse who took care of grandma there.

The place was quite new, clean, and nice. Grandma's photo smiled at me in front of her casket. She has gone to a better place, I kept telling myself. I should be happy for her. She has lived her 83 years on Earth fully. She has given birth to six wonderful daughter, watched them meet and marry the men of their dreams, hold the twenty grand-children, even attended five of the grand-children's wedding! I still remembered, in awe, when grandma attended my dear cousin's wedding. Wheelchair bound, sick and weak, but she was there for all of us. A selfless strong woman my grandma was.

The days that follow were spent with my dear aunts, uncles, and cousins for the cremation and placing of her ashes in the columbarium.

Thursday morning, we gathered in front of the crematorium. We prayed around her coffin. So many people came to the last service. Some old ladies from Salatiga, including my grandma's 95 year-old sister, sang a sweet song about her meeting with Jesus. It was a beautiful moment. Then the coffin was placed inside the furnace. It was time to pay our last respect. One cousin brought fresh red roses that each of us placed near her coffin. Grandma loved flowers, especially the red roses.

We watched when the fire was lighted. Soon, the furnace was ablaze with burning hot fire. Grandma frail, old, weak body was slowly reduced to ashes. She needed that body no more for she already has a new one up there.

Saturday morning, we gathered there again to collect her ashes. The person-in-charge gave us the ashes inside a cloth pouch doubled with clear plastic together with two prostheses. We were shocked when we hold the prostheses (once planted inside her hips) they were so heavy! Maybe more than a kilogram in total. I could not imagine that all these time, grandma carried those heavy stuff around with her!

We carried her ashes to the columbarium grandpa has built for the family. The big family gathered there for lunch. I wondered if grandma joined us in the gathering, looking at the many people who loved and respected her. Or she could still be dancing with Jesus on her two feet in heaven!

Goodbye for now, Emak sayang. One day when we meet again, I hope I can say that I've lived my life at least as full as yours.

On the road

We're on our way back from Semarang now. Somewhere in Tegal. Jove just moved to the other car to be with grandma, so I'm free to try this.

busted!

on having children

I currently re-read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. If you have not read it, go and find one. It's a good book about life's greatest lesson. Anyway, I stumbled upon this today:

"Whenever people ask me about having children or not having children, I never tell them what to do," Morrie said now, looking at a photo of his oldest son. "I simply say, 'There is no experience like having children.' That's all. There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children."

From chapter: The Fifth Tuesday - We Talk About Family

The first time I read this book was long ago in my university days, I was not a parent yet. Now that I am one, I am touched in a new way by this chapter on family.

Being parent is indeed a special experience. Morrie put it fittingly in those lines.

on children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

learning from a child

It's about three thirty in the afternoon. I brought Jove out to play on the grass in front of the house. We spent a considerably long time examining the rough texture of the grass (a little bit dry because of the hot afternoon sun, I supposed) and the warmth of the stone slabs.

I followed Jove's lead on what to do. We walked on the ticklish grass barefooted, we hopped from stone to stone, we sat down and pulled out some weeds that grew among the grasses, Jove pulled some grasses. The sky was blue, some birds flew above us. The soft breeze caressed our hair lovingly. I could be laying down in a field of green grass with colorful wild flowers and feel as happy as I was this afternoon.

One secret of happiness that I learned from Jovan is as simple as living every second of your day to the fullest. Well, I don't feel happy all the time and I may not remember this secret at all times, but for half an hour this afternoon, I was truly happy.

I did have some thoughts on what the neighbors would say looking at a mother and her son looking intently at grasses and stones while smiling cheerfully at each other. Err, well, that's another secret of happiness that the children possessed: do not care about what other people will think of you. Just enjoy what you do (and what you have) at the moment and be happy. That works for me this afternoon.